If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
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“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
My workout schedule:
1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it