Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists

[in the bedroom]

Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*

Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana

I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”

I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.

*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning

The body is 70% water..

So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..

Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”

*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls

2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.

Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?

Wife: why do you ask?

Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.

Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.

Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.

[During sex]

ME: Am I making you wet?

HER: Yes

ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying

Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.

My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.

It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews

exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out

Me: That’s the murder house on the street.

Friend: That’s your house.

Me: Yea

“Shake your money maker”

Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*

Children of the Corn Man

My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!

That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.

That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.

Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap

Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.

[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave