If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
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Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
can’t bark with your mouth full
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
me and the Superbowl rn
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
What the dentist sees
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.