If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
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[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
i’m sure it’s fine
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.
My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks