If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
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Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Weighing up my bread heating options
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”