If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
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[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?
me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.