If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
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(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Fiction has to make sense.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts