Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.

Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund

I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing

[Studying for his history test]

10: I wish I was born in the 1800s

Me: Why?

10: I’d have less history to learn

Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog

No one can handle that

[End of day 1, building Rome]

BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss

BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:

Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house

“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere

When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’

It was a house fire.

Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.

Did you even think about that??

I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.

Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.

Put a ring on it

Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long

Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car

Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.

Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.

Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.

*buys a new treat for my dog*

*dog refuses to eat*

Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one

I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.

I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.

[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.

My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.

HER: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because i get angry wrong?

HER: yes

ME: *balling toes* this is delightful

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.