If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
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*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Just why bro?!
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.
Me when they’re trying to close the buffet
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous