If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
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The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food