If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
You Might Also Like
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:
“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
when mom throws a party…
