If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
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A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos