If life had a ‘CTRL + ALT + DEL’ option, you bet your ass I’d be hitting that thing about 14 times a day.

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imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.


Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?


Don’t mean to brag but I can turn a pair of fat pants into skinny jeans in like 3.5 months


Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.


Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.


Dang girl are you Die Hard on TBS because it looks like all the good parts are missing.


[watching Avatar for the first time]

girlfriend: this is amazing

me: this is the most elaborate smurf village i’ve ever seen


Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”


My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.


Scariest things in the world:

1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes