@Shock_Monster

If life had a ‘CTRL + ALT + DEL’ option, you bet your ass I’d be hitting that thing about 14 times a day.

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@egg_dog

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

@0hJuliette

Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?

@TedBundybitch

Don’t mean to brag but I can turn a pair of fat pants into skinny jeans in like 3.5 months

@noogscorner

Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.

@GrabTheWEness

Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.

@robfee

Dang girl are you Die Hard on TBS because it looks like all the good parts are missing.

@sonictyrant

[watching Avatar for the first time]

girlfriend: this is amazing

me: this is the most elaborate smurf village i’ve ever seen

@ItsAndyRyan

Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”

@DarkerWillow

My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.

@etherealraccoon

Scariest things in the world:

1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes