I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
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Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob