If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
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Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500