Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.

I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.

Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.

why am I working on Labor Day

I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas

Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window

“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”

nyc:

STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.

ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.

[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]

Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!

I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.

Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex

Am I romantic?

I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.

So, I don’t know.

You tell me.

Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!

American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.

British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.

People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.

1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.

my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter

Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.

I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.

Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!

Nurse: what’s her name?

Me: well we both love Kit Kats

Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?

Me: meet Wafer

Man I wish I would have thought of “knuckle sandwiches” when everyone was asking what I was bringing ro thanksgiving. It’s too late now 😔

*nose hairs growing out of control

*buys tiny scissors

*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs

I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂

Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”

I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.

Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful

A plastic surgery slogan:

Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either

[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this