If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
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*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more