If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
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There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.
i sent you a message telepathically and you didn’t respond…are you mad at me?
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
I know
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza