If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
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My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
My daughter has an arch nemesis and I recently found a list of ideas she titled “get even”, and while we’re gonna have to rule out “eat his lunch” and “glue his hair” I think we can work with “beat him at football”
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
the chicken was already gone when I got here
