If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
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step 6: release the wall snake
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles