If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
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Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
I try
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
I’m just glad DoorDash doesn’t do a wrap-up of my year like Spotify does.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Just did a big green poo by a canal
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Take my own advice? No thanks, that sounds dangerous
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!