If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
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You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
english majors be like furthermore
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Cartman: Respect my
a a
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.
Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
I’m confused about plants