If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
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ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today