If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
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I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Warm pools make me nervous.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
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