If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
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No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
just arby’s bein’ a bro
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]１９.９８
[very gently]
１９.９９
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]３７.８３
GODDAMMIT
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor