Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined

My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.

Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.

Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”

Also Americans:

God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.

Sloths: bro

doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry

bigfoot: weird

The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.

More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.

9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.

*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever

[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh

[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”

Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby

Her: Head held high

Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby

Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.

oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.

Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro

*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing

Please, I have a family

They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years

No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.

When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?

Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.

Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.

this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route

{bedazzling my new tee shirt}

DO NOT RESUSCITATE

jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross

“Avocado Kedavra”

-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole

*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?

If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.

According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.

Is it because I’m brown??