If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
You Might Also Like
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Couldn’t recommend it enough.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes