If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
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Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
“you recording!?”
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Cheers Twitter.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate