If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
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I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Risking my life for fun.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file
US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.