If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
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I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)