If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
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I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe