Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.

If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.

*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*

I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.

I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.

(Halloween Party)

Friend: What’s your costume?

Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”

Friend: But you always wear that

Me: Yeah.

Mountain Goat : )

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.

What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂

*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil

For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.

My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..

When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting

[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]

I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño

Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.

Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”

I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.

You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

me: I need to get this framed

optometrist: just say you need glasses

There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”

It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.

You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly

No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw

We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.

Class: you want us to what

Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy