Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum

For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.

Husband: *bleeding*

Me: *calling 911*

Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.

Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.

Batman

Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred

Cons: Robin

THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”

ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”

hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?

Dear hiring manager,

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.

There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.

People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it

There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.

Breakfast is the most important beer of the day.

During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.

“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”

It kinda feels like this rn

I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.

I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.

Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?

Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?

Her: awww. Like the day we met?

Him: No, before that.

My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.

stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body

WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol

A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀

I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.

It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?

gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination

I’m doing crunches twice a day now…

Captain in the morning…

Nestle in the afternoon.

my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq