Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other

I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.

marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?

me: i don’t know

my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret

A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.

Californians forget how to drive when it rains

God: send them snow

Today in my classroom

Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?

Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.

As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life

Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.

I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.

I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.

If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?

Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.

Me: what should I say instead of bull-

Wife: shhh say snake instead.

Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.

*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog

Me: I won’t let anything control me!

My bladder: Lmao

Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs

I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.

Wait…was it my left or your left?

-me as a surgeon

I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?

Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.

my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do

I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.

You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking

Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god

My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.

Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside

My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.