If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
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I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:
“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”
And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
are americans worse off?
in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
How did we not see this back then?
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk