If looks could kill
You Might Also Like
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
My teenage children choosing violence
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.