I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
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If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Stonehinge
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
I need this for my side hustle.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella