If looks could kill, I’d still use a baseball bat.

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i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value


Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*


Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.


*knocks on women’s restroom door*

You gonna finish that sandwich on your desk?


Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…


Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.


*at movie theater*
M: I’ll take a large popcorn with extra butter.
H: Sure. What movie are you seeing?
M: I’m not.


[Bad guys in John Wick movies be like]

Bad guy: He’s coming

Henchmen: Who?

Bad guy: John Wick, baba yaga

Henchmen: He’s just one guy boss, we can take him

Bad guy: You fools!!! Before John Wick visited Israel on a mission, the Dead Sea used to be called the alive sea


Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?


I love when people complain about other people’s kids like other people’s grown ups aren’t way worse