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[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
We have a winner.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift