Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
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The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
#oldknees
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.