@philYama

If losing a debate, end a sentence with “see what I did there?”. As your opponent tries to figure it out, hit them with closest blunt object

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@infamousone96

“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?

@abhorrent_wife

Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.

@ihateitmunky

guy who’s about to repair my iPhone screen: may i have your passcode for testing?

Me: ..ya know what i don’t even want it fixed

@tjcirimele

Listen, I hate you…

I’m just not… IN hate with you.

@BlindChow

i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke

@TheTalkingPipe

I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.

@dumbbeezie

“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”