If losing a debate, end a sentence with “see what I did there?”. As your opponent tries to figure it out, hit them with closest blunt object
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[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
guy who’s about to repair my iPhone screen: may i have your passcode for testing?
Me: ..ya know what i don’t even want it fixed
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”