If losing a debate, end a sentence with “see what I did there?”. As your opponent tries to figure it out, hit them with closest blunt object

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“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?


Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.


guy who’s about to repair my iPhone screen: may i have your passcode for testing?

Me: ..ya know what i don’t even want it fixed


Listen, I hate you…

I’m just not… IN hate with you.


i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke


I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.


“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”