If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
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Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Well well well…
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
live long and prosper!
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
*eats an entire pant leg of cookies*
person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know
me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–
person: *losing interest*
me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop