Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?

Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.

When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.

I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?

Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.

ME: There’s something fishy going on here.

YOU: It’s just an aquarium.

ME: Exactly.

Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.

Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.

Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.

I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤

~Conversations I have with my couch

You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.

*reads your timeline*

Or maybe not

Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.

Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?

Me: It’s wrong.

License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*

Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.

Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.

I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.

a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!

It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication

Guantanamo Bae

Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?

General Anesthesia

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m extremely flexible

professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?

me: no problem

Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?

the prophecies have been fulfilled

A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.

My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.