If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
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My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
🎵 I can’t wait to
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick