If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
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My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos