If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
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I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.
“He fell”
Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.