If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
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Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices