Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
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My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Best table by far
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.