If Mary gave birth to Jesus & Jesus is the lamb of God, then did Mary have a little lamb?

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Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.


My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy


“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie


It’s ok spider, everyone screams when I surprise them in the shower too


To all newly married guys…..

If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.


“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.


Me: What are the lyrics to every 80s sitcom I’ve ever seen
Brain: Coming right up

Me: Remember to pay that bill
Brain: Nope


I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…

I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.


Girl on my bus has a therapy dog with a marked vest and I was like, “what kind of therapy is he in?” because of course I said that


Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.