God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
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[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
me irl
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
*ernest hemingway voice*
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years