Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

[fire]

EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.

We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.

this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray

I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.

Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally

Me: Can you bring back Prince?

Genie: I can’t bring people back.

Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?

Genie: Who was that dead guy again?

You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector

date: I’m an expert in volcanology

me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?

My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…

And then eat seven dinners.

Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…

…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak

Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.

[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”

[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”

[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”

WORD: wanna see paste options?

ME: no it’s fine

WORD: but check out these paste options

ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it

WORD: 🙁

ME: fine there I looked now move the box

WORD: 🙂

ME: it’s still there

WORD: which was your favorite 😐

9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.

Well played, sir.

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.

Bartender: So…the usual?

I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.

FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?

ME: Nice to meet you.

BOSS: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.

I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.

I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.

Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.

Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.

Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.

No one

Absolutely no one

My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?

#TopTip

“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”

Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open

SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*

NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!

SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there

Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio

My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions

Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.

Good morning, Twitter 😊