If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
You Might Also Like
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21