If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
You Might Also Like
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered