Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same

I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today

[Mad scientist lamenting]

“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!

DAMMIT I’M MAD !”

(Pauses)

“Hey…wait

ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task

DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!

ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun

ANGEL: That doesn’t–

DEVIL: wtf, dude, no

ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*

“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛

goldiesglobe

The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.

My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.

I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.

I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.

My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill

*literally any business fails*

journalist: ahh yes, the millennials

[canadians at you, canadianly]

Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?

Pharaoh: i actually love this

*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*

Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER

So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.

[ IDEA ]

An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up

You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.

My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.

Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you

I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face

This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”

Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*

Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast

Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult