Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.

I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.

I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.

Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.

9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!

Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?

9: It matters for two minutes.

She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She

[first day as a mechanic]

customer: can i get a quote?

me: give me liberty or give me death

customer: i meant for the truck

me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out

longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind

I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.

EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back

Dad: I was just resting my eyes

My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.

I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.

I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.

Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”

My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed

Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.

I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.

Oh my God.

Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out

I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”

compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point

Never really believed in god before but earlier today I was in the ladies room with a coworker and just about to start talking shit about my boss but then inexplicable stopped myself seconds before said boss walked in, feeling absolutely blessed

Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)

is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.

ME: i joined CrossFit

PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin

Cat 911: what’s your emergency

Cat: my human is bleeding to death!

911: stay calm. what happened

Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her

911:

Cat:

911: hahahaha

Cat: hahahaHA

Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA