Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?

I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there

I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.

– Dogs

My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.

Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.

*takes 87 selfies*

A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.

So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?

My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?

Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.

My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.

If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.

is this how new cars are made??

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later

Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.

Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]

*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.

Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.

If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.

Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?

Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times

Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this

Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.

If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get

*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*

Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.

if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.

[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders

Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.

Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.

I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full

marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?

me: i don’t know

my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret

“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”

“Sir, this is a cheese counter”