Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.

[police station]

Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Cop: *mumbling* am not.

*Relationship status*

Me: I’m heading off now.

Wife: Yayyy.

Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning

I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.

Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.

A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.

The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.

I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..

My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.

need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it

keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.

me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS

Saturday

I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.

How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left

My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there

Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”

“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.

YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.

“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”

haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?

And that’s why you clean your room, kids.

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no

There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.

“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.

I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary

Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.

Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?

Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you