If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
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Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
HERE’S MARKY
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit