If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
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Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Couldn’t recommend it enough.
If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
banana peels are my favorite fall accessories
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
All is fair in drunk and war.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.