If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
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Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.