If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
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Don’t we all.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
i baked you a cake
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?
Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress
it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.