If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
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Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Anyone really
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often