Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.

11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.

Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?

11: …

[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute

[jaws theme plays]

Me: omg

Shark groom: omg she’s here

I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?

me: truth or dare

government: truth

me: is Wyoming real

government: dare

LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash

Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?

Children: Wait, what?

Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids

Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog

HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.

ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.

People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides

Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.

I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.

*gets on knees and undoes your belt*

Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?

Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us

Me: Like Spanx

Let’s name him something that will make children smile

“How about Santa?”

Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him

A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”

When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.

I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?

Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke

Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.

Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.

We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”

Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.

If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.

ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking

4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?

Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!

4: her strap on!

Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-

Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING

I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.