If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
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picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you