My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
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[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!