Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.

*skydiving*

Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds

Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.

me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.

I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.

if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi

ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place

*wakes up from 20 year coma*

SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI

What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.

How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?

Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.

Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”

🍞🦆

Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.

Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable

BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip

(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all

If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.

Why didn’t I go pee earlier.

– My tombstone

I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”

Her)What that mouth do?

Me)Usually get me in trouble

my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend

*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”

trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you

Dude told me his sister got in trouble for drugs. I called her Bethanphetamine, he blocked me. Too bad. There was potential

Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3

Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.

[first day as a fireman]

So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?

The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.

Me: You want some cereal?

2 year-old: Yay cereal!

Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

2: Yay cinnamon crack!

Me: Ok-wait, what??