If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.

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dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours


Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?


Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%


me: [handing back newborn son] idk man his vibe is off

doctor: what

me: im not vibing with this baby man

doctor: *to my wife* is he being serious

my wife: your vibe is kinda off too man idk


[on 1st date]
Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before?
Her: No, I’d love to
Me: Same
Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim


[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.