@Storminika

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.

You Might Also Like

@drayzze

I’m at my most developmentally challenged when I’m at someone else’s house trying to figure out how their lamps work.

@iGreenGod

The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.

My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.

@thatUPSdude

That awkward moment when you pretend to be on the phone so you can avoid talking to someone, then your phone rings.

@Super_Cynthia

In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.

@JamieFord

WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?

Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.

@mortimermaiden

I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.

@C00LpenNAME

*Job Interview

Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”

(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)

Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*

@PopeAwesomeXIII

Top Gun is a Christmas movie.

There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose

@FrazzleMyGimp

ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?

GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]

ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.

GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?

ME: Because I care.