If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.

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“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”

– Abraham LinkedIn


Let me tell you why going outside is not safe. Because chances are after a few days you end up retweeting a joke about yourself.


america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky


*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all

*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few


Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup


Enviromentalists:”How can we stop the rising oceans
Me (understands displacement but not enviromentalism):”Pull all those big whales out.


Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.


[5-year-old and 3-year-old scream at each other]

Me: Is that how your mom and I settle arguments?

5: You want me to sleep on the couch?


I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.