I’m at my most developmentally challenged when I’m at someone else’s house trying to figure out how their lamps work.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
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The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
That awkward moment when you pretend to be on the phone so you can avoid talking to someone, then your phone rings.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”
(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Manager *starts timer*
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.