“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
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Let me tell you why going outside is not safe. Because chances are after a few days you end up retweeting a joke about yourself.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Enviromentalists:”How can we stop the rising oceans
Me (understands displacement but not enviromentalism):”Pull all those big whales out.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
[5-year-old and 3-year-old scream at each other]
Me: Is that how your mom and I settle arguments?
5: You want me to sleep on the couch?
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.