If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
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What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat