If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
You Might Also Like
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Möther may I have a snäck
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Woke up against my better judgment again
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.