If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
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Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Hey i am sexy to you now
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore