If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
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My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver